50 Ways to Torture Kyon
by Amulet Strawberry
Summary: To what lengths will the other brigade members go to when it comes to setting up our favorite couple... A collection of oneshots, ENJOY! Chapter two, sending her flowers equals a jealous Kyon and disasterific results...
1. Putting Thoughts Your Head

Keirii: Hey everyone heres another fic. Its pretty random but I was bored and Jo went to visit her Mum for Mother's Day. So I was pretty bored when I got back earlier than Jo this afternoon. Oh well...tell you what, I'll dedicate this story to all the Mothers out there! Happy Mother's Day to you all! Kick back, relax, and let your husband/boyfriend/fiance/whatever be your slave for the rest of the day! You deserve it! Don't forget to review people, I love it when you fave but it'd be great to hear what you think of the story too!

Disclaimer: Don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, doubt I ever will.

When Brigade Members Lose Their Patience

They were staring at him again. He could feel their eyes glued to him and the girl who was currently lecturing him. For some reason, Kyon had felt himself being watched whenever he was around Haruhi Suzumiya but whoever it was stalking him or the quirky brunette or the both of them always made sure they couldn't be caught. But damn…it was unnerving. Wait Haruhi is saying something…

"So what do you say?" Kyon focused and found Haruhi's amber-brown eyes locked with his own.

"Erm…yeah…?" he answered unsurely and Haruhi grinned widely.

"Great! I'll meet you in the usual place then at five then!" she exclaimed happily before walking off leaving Kyon gaping in fright.

"What the hell did I just agree to?!"

* * *

"So…I hear you and Miss Suzumiya are meeting up after school." Itsuki said randomly during their game of chess. Kyon glared at him, stupid patronizing bastard.

"Yeah, what of it?" the brunette muttered moving his bishop and taking one of Itsuki's pawns.

Itsuki just smiled, his eyes glittering with amusement "Oh nothing, it's just that for somebody who insists so often that your relationship with Miss Suzumiya is strictly friendship, you seem to easily accept a chance to be alone with her." He moved his knight and claimed a one of his opponent's rooks.

Moving a bishop once again Kyon scowled at his supposed friend "I've told you a million times Haruhi and I are JUST FRIENDS. We are not in any way romantically involved."

"You say that now but…"

Kyon narrowed his eyes at the suspicious grin on Itsuki's face "But what?"

Itsuki tilted his head to the side in an innocent manner "Oh nothing, I was just wondering what Haruhi's opinion on this subject was. I mean it would be terrible if she thought you returned her feelings only to have her heart broken. Just imagine all the Closed Spaces. Oh dear, I suppose I better warn The Agency in advance…" Kyon's chair clattered back as the boy stood rather abruptly and Itsuki looked up at him with a faint smile "Is something the matter Kyon?"

"I need to mentally prepare myself for tonight." Was all he said before he walked to the door hoping he wouldn't run into Haruhi on the way out of the room. Itsuki smiled to himself.

"What about our game?" he asked. Kyon flipped him off as he opened the door.

"Stuff your game you sly bastard." He called as the door shut behind him.

* * *

Kyon was sulking. Damn that Itsuki. He sure knew how to guilt trip a guy. Kyon would really love to give him a good kick up the arse and tell him just where he could stuff his stupid Closed Spaces! But what if Haruhi really did like him…what if she really did think he liked her back…she didn't realize the dream was real did she…? Not that he cared or anything! He just didn't want her to get the wrong idea…

"Oh! Kyon!"

Kyon raised his heavy head at the soft angel like voice. Oh sweet Miss Asahina, if anyone could clear his cloudy skies it was her…and Tsuyura? "Erm, hi?"

"Hey there Kyon!" Tsuyura greeted in her usual loud manner "Everyone is saying how you and Haruhi are going on a date tonight! I thought you said you two weren't dating, huh?" she laughed insanely at his dead-panned expression.

"Is it true Kyon?" Mikuru asked innocently, staring at him with her large beautiful red eyes. Kyon resisted the urge to grin stupidly. If only this stupid rumor hadn't gotten around, Kyon was certain Miss Asahina's eyes were lacking their usual glimmer ever since she had seen Haruhi straddling him in the Brigade room.

He sighed "It's not a date."

"But you are meeting up with her tonight right?" Tsuyura asked slyly. Kyon was hesitant to answer and for some reason the fanged heiress took his silence as a yes "Oh I knew it was true! See I told you there was nothing to worry about Mikuru! Those two are getting on like a house on fire!" she exclaimed to a happily smiling Mikuru.

Wait…Mikuru was worried about him and Haruhi NOT dating?! "What are you talking about? Are you really okay with me and Haruhi dating?!"

Mikuru smiled "Oh yes! I think you two make a wonderful couple!"

_…A__ wonderful couple!_

_…__A wonderful couple!_

_…__Wonderful couple!_

_…__Wonderful couple…_

_…__Wonderful couple…_

_...Couple…_

_…Couple…_

_COUPLE!!_

'A wonderful…couple…? Miss Asahina…wants me to date…Haruhi…?' Kyon's little _Mikuru__ heart __Kyon__ 4ever _fantasy fell apart around him. Miss Asahina didn't want to date him herself. She wanted him to date the horror that was known as Haruhi Suzumiya, Goddess, the potential for evolution, distortion in space time and all round life wreaker.

With his heart in pieces and his temper rising Kyon decided to seek shelter in the silence of the computer club. The computer club geeks were on a school organized field trip to some computer company. Yuki had been given free reign of the computers in the club room and Kyon was pretty sure the practically mute girl would be playing around on the computers in the room.

Sure enough Kyon was correct, but instead of hacking away on the machines Yuki was once again…reading. Why didn't she just do that in the Brigade room? Kyon sighed and walked over to an empty chair, dropping into it he held his head in his hands. He was really glad Yuki wasn't the talkative type.

"Haruhi is looking forward to tonight." Then again…

"Oh really? That's nice." Kyon replied half-heartedly and he felt the alien's gaze fall on his form.

After a moments silence she spoke again "Are you looking forward to spending time alone with Haruhi?"

Kyon shrugged "I don't know. Why?"

"She was worried. She thinks you're just meeting her to keep her happy. I believe her words were 'he'd rather be drooling over Mikuru than visiting a haunted house with me'. She was very upset."

Kyon gaped at the floor. Was Itsuki right…did Haruhi really have feelings for him? Is that why Mikuru thought they'd make a 'wonderful couple'? More importantly, was Yuki seriously showing emotion?! After a few minutes Kyon jumped to his feet and spun to face Yuki's liquid helium eyes "Is Haruhi crushing on me?!"

The alien didn't move and just stared up at him with her usual blank expression "You've only just noticed?"

* * *

"You're late." Haruhi muttered scowling up at Kyon. The boy rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. What should he say?

"Sorry. My train was delayed." So it was a lie. She'd never know…unless she got him drunk at a party in the future (probably possible) and it slipped out, she'd punish him no matter how many years later it was(oh yeah…she'd defiantly do that)! The truth was that he'd considered not coming…she had a crush on him for god's sake! He'd never dealt with this kind of thing before!

Haruhi just sighed "Whatever. Let's go."

Kyon followed Haruhi without delay. It was strange, watching her now and thinking back to Yuki's words; Haruhi didn't seem like she even cared whether they were alone or not. In fact, she seemed a little quiet and that wasn't usually a good sign. Matching her pace as they walked through the park Kyon turned his eyes to the lake before he spoke "Is something bothering you Haruhi?" Awkward situation or not, he wasn't having Itsuki guilt tripping him for a couple of months.

He could feel her glare at him and turned his eyes to meet hers when she ground a reply out through clenched teeth "I'm fine."

Kyon sighed "I know you better then that Haruhi. What's the matter?" Haruhi turned into the trees suddenly, shocking Kyon who had to jog to catch up with her "Haruhi tell me why you're so annoyed. It's not good to keep things bottled up!" Especially not in Haruhi's case.

The brunette boy suddenly found himself slammed against a tree while Haruhi pulled him down by the collar of his shirt "You've got a damn nerve you know that!"

Kyon found himself blushing at their close contact "W-wha-"

Haruhi pushed him against the tree again "Don't you dare 'what' me! You know exactly what I'm talking about Mr 'Ignore-Haruhi-Until-She-Explodes-Then-Pretend-You-Don't-Know-What-She-Talking-About'!"

Oh…that's why she's pissed at him…it's not like it's his fault though! Finding out one of your closest friends is crushing on you is a big shock. And it was kind of hard to even look at Haruhi without blushing afterwards.

"I'm s-sorry, Haruhi. I was just a l-little…I j-just had other things on my m-mind." Great. Now not only was he blushing but he was stuttering, how humiliating.

Haruhi loosened her grip on him "What things?"

Kyon's blush went up a notch or two. "…personal things…"

Haruhi narrowed her eyes "Come on Kyon…you can tell me…is it a girl?"

Kyon gulped "Sort of…" he could have sworn a flash of jealousy flashed through the girl's eyes and felt her grip tighten on his shirt. Oh dear god…why did he have to remember what his playful banter with Miss Asahina resulted in now!?

Haruhi smiled sweetly "So, do you like this girl?"

Kyon stared down at Haruhi. That was a good question…DID he like Haruhi? Strange, he hadn't really thought about whether he liked her or not. The only thought that had crossed his mind was how awkward it was going to be now that he knew she liked him. He shrugged and answered her question "I…think I do…"

Haruhi tightened her grip on his shirt before releasing him and moving back. She glared at the ground, refusing to meet his eyes "Wow Kyon, looks like you're finally gonna get your first high school girlfriend. I mean geez it's about time." she turned and walked back, strangely enough she was walking the way they came.

Kyon moved quickly and blocked her way "Wait Haruhi. Where are you going?"

Her eyes were still glued to the ground when she answered "Home. I just remembered, my Dad grounded me so I shouldn't really be here. See you Monday Kyon." She stepped around Kyon only to have him grab her arm and hold her back. This time she raised her head to glare at him with hurt angry eyes "Let me go Kyon!"

Kyon stared into her eyes defiantly "You didn't ask me who the girl was."

The hurt in her eyes grew and for some reason, it made his heart ache "I don't care who she is. Besides I'm sure we'll all find out when you ask her out."

She pulled her arm out of his grip and started to walk away with Kyon following close behind "Just let me te-LOOK OUT!!" Kyon slammed Haruhi into a tree as a cyclist sped past right where Haruhi had been standing. Breathing heavily Kyon scowled "Damn idi…" he trailed off as he found Haruhi glaring up at him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!!" she yelled, Kyon just blinked down at her for a few seconds before scowling.

"I think I just saved you from being a hit and run the least you could do is be a little grateful!!" Kyon growled gripping her shoulders instictivly.

Haruhi's hands once again found his shirt and pulled him down to her eye level "It was a bike. The worst that I would have got was a broken arm or a sprained wrist!" she hissed, her eyes were on fire and this caused a smirk to spread across Kyon's face.

"You still haven't asked me who the girl I like is…" he whispered and Haruhi's fiery glare blazed.

"Why do you want to tell me so bad?" she muttered sadly.

"Maybe I just want you to know who I like." Kyon answered softly. He loosened his grip on Haruhi's shoulders and found himself in a familiar position. Now if only he could remember why it was so familiar…

"Fine…who is the girl you like Kyon…?" she asked robotically. Kyon smiled suddenly realizing why their position was so familiar, now all he needed was Haruhi to look at him like he was insane…

"Her name is Haruhi Suzumiya." Yep worked like a charm. Haruhi gaped up at the taller boy with wide disbelieving and slightly frightened eyes.

"What are you?! An idiot?!"

Kyon shrugged "Maybe…or maybe I just have a thing for girls with ponytails."

Haruhi's eyes became wider if that was even possible at Kyon's final familiar words before he lowered his head and kissed her.

* * *

Itsuki smiled as a cyclist rode up to him. Beside him on the bench were Mikuru was sitting beside him fiddling with her skirt excitedly. The cyclist braked into front of the bench and swung her leg over the frame almost robotically. Itsuki watched patiently as Yuki Nagato handed the borrowed bike back to its owner "Did it work?"

The silver haired alien nodded "Affirmative. Plan HK Set Up was a complete Success."


	2. Sending Her Flowers

Keirii: Heehee, Jo is mad at me because I've spent three hours typing this up. It not my fault though...

Jo: Oh I'm sorry did someone make you sit at the computer for MORE than three hours ignoring your BEST friend who was here to visit you?

Keirii: ...it was the plot bunnies...?

Jo: ...dammit...I can't hit an idiot...

Keirii: phew Anyway one of my two reviewers sob! suggested I make this into a series, so I thought, why not! Oh and wish me luck, I'm letting Jo dye my hair purple tonight but knowing her and her ability to wreak revenge succussfully it'll be green or something.

Jo: Nah, green wouldn't suit you Kei-chan.

Keirii: eyeing Jo suspiciously Then what would...?

Jo: evil grin Blonde!

Keirii: NOOOOOOOOO-no offence to blondes by the way.-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Disclaimer: I don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya...if I did, Jo would be my personal slave.

Jo: Dream on you immature idiot...

Keirii: Don't forget to review please!

To Haruhi With Love

"Flowers…?"

Haruhi nodded with a frown as she stared at the computer screen "Yeah, they were outside the door when I came. There was card with them; it's next to the vase."

Kyon scowled at the bunch of bold and colorful flowers sitting on the table. For some reason the thought of somebody sending the quirky girl flowers pissed him off. He grabbed the square piece of card that sat next to them and scanned the message, _To __Haruhi__, love,__ your secret admirer_, well that definitely didn't tell him anything.

The door opened behind him and Itsuki walked in with Mikuru, Yuki had already left when Kyon had entered the room, the time she spent in the computer club was slowly rising. He eyed the flowers with a secretive smile "What beautiful flowers." The red head gushed, brushing her fingers over a white rose.

"They're Haruhi's." Kyon muttered casually dropping the card back on the table "She has a secret admirer aparantly."

Itsuki smiled "Oh, is that so. Lucky you Miss Suzumiya."

Haruhi didn't look up from the computer "Yeah…lucky…whatever…" she answered distractedly.

"Oh I used to help out in a florist!" Mikuru chirped "I can tell you what they mean!"

"I already know their meanings." Haruhi interrupted clicking away on the computer with the frown glued to her face. Kyon nodded remembering that during her club search, she had joined the Flower club, her stay with them had only lasted a day or two.

Mikuru looked a little disappointed which was probably why Itsuki gave her a warm smile before saying "Why don't you tell me and Kyon instead Miss Asahina."

Mikuru smiled "Okay!" she pulled the vase towards us "There are five different types of flowers in this bouquet, white roses, red tulips, some gardenia, orange blossom and a white lily. The red tulips are a declaration of love; the gardenias mean a secret love and the orange blossom mean eternal love. Then we have the white roses which stand for innocence and purity and lastly the single white lily means it's heavenly to be with you."

Itsuki smiled over at Haruhi "Wow. That guy must really like you Haruhi."

"Sounds like he's trying to hard if you ask me." Kyon said glaring at the smiling Itsuki. It had to be him who sent the flowers, why else would he be trying to get a reaction out of his Haruhi. Wait a minute…HIS Haruhi?! Since when did he start referring to her like that?! Geez why did he even care whether Itsuki like her or not!?

"Are you…jealous Kyon?" Itsuki asked, his tone joking. Haruhi however, looked up expectantly.

Kyon narrowed his eyes at the Esper "No." he ground out firmly through clenched teeth "It's just that the whole idea of secretly sending flowers to a girl seems a bit stupid to me. If he had any guts, he'd have given them to her in person."

Haruhi scowled "Well I don't think that at all! I think it was very sweet of him to send me flowers!" Haruhi exclaimed kicking her chair back and storming over to Kyon to glare up at him.

Not being one to cower in fear against the short monster like brunette Kyon glared back "Are you telling me that YOU, Haruhi Suzumiya, like ORDINARY HUMAN boys giving her flowers?!"

Haruhi froze for a second before boosting her glare "He sent them anonymously he could be an alien or…or a time traveler…he could even be an esper!" apparently this thought excited Haruhi as she broke her glare with Kyon to pick up the vase and hug them close to her with a squeal.

Kyon grabbed them off her "Or he could be a pervert, or a stalker, or a pedophile!"

Haruhi pulled the vase towards her, but Kyon's hands remained "I don't care! As long as he isn't a normal human he could be an escaped convict for all I care!"

Tugging the vase back Kyon leaned down to intensify his glare "Yeah well don't come crying to me when he's not what you expected." He growled before releasing his grip on the stupid flowers with a push. Haruhi stumbled back and the vase slipped from her hands.

Kyon winced as they crashed to the floor sending glass and water skittering across the wooden floor. The three Brigade members froze. Itsuki and Mikuru were silent as they waited for Haruhi's reaction. They didn't have to wait long as she stood silently and carefully stepped over the glass to stand in front of Kyon, she raised her hand and quickly brought it down.

Kyon brought his hand up to his face and covered the bright red bruising skin with his hand, gaping down at Haruhi who refused to lift her head. Turning on her heel she quickly exited the room leaving Kyon, Itsuki and Mikuru staring after her. Kyon felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to face Itsuki who wore a sympathetic smile "You're an idiot."

Kyon scowled "Apparantly…" he sighed and collapsed in a chair as Mikuru busied herself carefully picking up the shattered glass "I've really messed up haven't I?"

Itsuki nodded "You could always make it up to her though."

Kyon scowled "And just how can I do that?" Itsuki shrugged and shared a glance with Mikuru. Mikuru smiled knowingly and placed the flowers on the table. A few stems had broken and the petals were bent shadowing their previous beauty.

"The boy who sent Haruhi these flowers mustn't know her very well." She said smiling down at the flowers. "He made his feelings know but he didn't include his crush's favorite in the selection."

"Haruhi has a favorite flower?" Kyon questioned incredulously. The red head nodded happily and Kyon sighed "Okay, tell me. What are Haruhi's favorite flowers?"

"Lilac irises." She answered giving Kyon a soft smile as he stood back up. He grabbed his bag and walked out muttering under his breath. When the door shut behind him Mikuru turned to Itsuki hopefully "Do you think we did good?" Itsuki smiled.

"I think we did very good Miss Asahina." He glanced at the flowers on the table and picked up a rose which wasn't too badly broken. With a smile he handed it to a blushing Mikuru "We can't let these flowers go to waste can we now."

* * *

After four hours and a trip to the next town Kyon found himself standing outside Haruhi's house with the spoils of his journey gripped firmly in his hand. Now…if only he could figure out what to do now…WHY THE HELL HADN'T HE THOUGHT THIS FAR?!?!?!

He couldn't knock on the door. Hell no! Last time he had paid a visit to Haruhi's house with a book she'd left at his house after a study session he'd met her father. Oh boy…that was a situation he did not want to be in again…the car in Haruhi's drive defiantly told him he was in, and the sound of a roaring crowd along with the flashing lights of a tv from the front window said he was awake and watching a baseball match. He defiantly wouldn't be knocking on the door then.

Maybe if he…

* * *

Inside the house, above the lounge and in the corner of a plain white bedroom, Haruhi Suzumiya lay on her bed with her face in the pillows. Stupid Kyon…Stupid flowers…Stupid secret admirer! It was their entire fault that she was in a bad mood! Why did she have to get those stupid flowers anyway!? If they hadn't turned up then she and Kyon wouldn't have fought and she'd be looking forward to the usual Saturday meeting instead of dreading it!

She sighed and rolled over onto her stomach glaring up at the stick-on stars glued to her ceiling. She hadn't been bothered at first when she'd found them, or even when she realized they were for her. But when Itsuki asked Kyon if he was jealous…well…they became extremely interesting. And when the flowers fell, Haruhi felt like crying and took her frustration out on Kyon…she hoped she didn't hit him too hard…

_Tap_…

_Tap…tap…_

He was probably really angry with her. He probably wouldn't even turn up on Saturday and Haruhi wondered if he'd be quitting the Brigade on Monday. Geez…why did she have to hit him?

_CLATTER!_

Haruhi jumped as she heard what sounded like hailstone hit her window before stopping. The weather report hadn't said anything about hailstone though…

_CLATTER!_

Was someone throwing stones at her window?! Haruhi stood up and ran to her window. Looking down she gasped. "Kyon…?"

* * *

Carefully Kyon threw a small stone from a neighbor's gravel driveway up at what he figured was Haruhi's window due to the large SOS Brigade banner along the top. When there was no sign of her in the open curtained window he threw two more. She wasn't watching the game with her dad was she? Maybe she had fallen asleep with her light on…?

Well there was only one way to wake her up Kyon figured. With a nervous grin he threw up the handful of gravel watching as a couple hit Haruhi's window. There was still no answer so he ran back to the neighbor's driveway and grabbed a couple more and threw them as well. He was just about to get some more when Haruhi's surprised face appeared. He saw her mouth his name with wide eyes and his grin fell from his face.

Lifting his empty hand he gestured for her to come down. Instead she opened her window and glared at down at him "What are you doing here you idiot!?" she hissed.

Kyon rolled his eyes "Oh I wonder…maybe I'm here to apologize…?" he called as loudly as he dared, hoping not to alert her dad of his presence.

"Couldn't you have waited until tomorrow moron?" was Haruhi's reply, but Kyon could see a faint smile on her shadowed face.

He shrugged "It was a spur of the moment thing. Now come down here. I have something for you."

Haruhi frowned before disappearing and Kyon ran over to where he had placed his bag by the gate and grabbed the irises from on top of them. Haruhi appeared at the door a moment later dressed in jeans and a jacket. She leaned back in house and called out to her dad "Sure Dad, I'll just be a minute and then we can watch the game together." She closed the door behind her and jogged over to Kyon who stood by her gate "What is it then?"

Feeling a blush rise to his cheeks, he turned his head to hide it and shoved the irises in front of her "H-here…t-to replace the ones I wrecked." After a minute he felt her pull them from his grip and out of the corner of his eyes he could have sworn she was blushing. When he turned back to check, it was already gone and Haruhi was smiling up at him.

"Thank you Kyon." She whispered holding the flowers close to her chest.

Kyon blushed again "Yeah well don't think anything of it! I just didn't want you mad at me tomorrow!"

Haruhi still smiled "Well thank you anyway…" they stood in an awkward silence for a moment or two before Haruhi spoke again "I guess I should go back inside…see you tomorrow Kyon."

Kyon nodded and watched blankly as she turned and took a step toward the door. That step was all it took to break him and grabbing her arm Kyon pulled her back. His lips had barely touched hers when the door opened, pouring light on them. Kyon jumped away from her and turned to face whoever had opened the door, when his eyes focused he immediately wished they hadn't. Standing in the doorway was a furious Mr Suzumiya, wearing his team baseball cap and shirt he had opened the door to check for his daughter on the halftime, only to find her bratty friend all over her…Kyon didn't waste another second and dashed out of the garden, grabbing his bag on the way out.

He could hear Mr Suzumiya's yells behind him but his ears were more focused on Haruhi's cries "I'll see you tomorrow Kyon!" was it just him…or was her tone slightly suggestive…?


End file.
